Shakara Ologe Ni - A Funny Short Story
As Sharon walked into the lobby of the lecture
theatre, arrogance oozed out of every pore of her
being as if she had dipped herself in a pool of it
before coming to school. She didn’t bother to greet
any of her colleagues who stood chatting in
different groups around the room. She brought out
her phone (a Blackberry Torch1) and began to dial
nosily.
After a while, she put it to her ear and spoke, “Oh
Dad, I’m missing you here in Nigeria. I wish I could
have come with you to France, Spain and Italy…oh
daddy it’s too hot and boring down here.” She
spoke with an exaggerated accent that seemed as
out of place as a Saheed Osupa cd playing at a
youth club in Victoria Island.
Even though she hadn’t really dialed anybody,
Sharon spoke loudly for over fifteen minutes. After
she was done, she hissed, “What’s wrong with this
professor sef…we have an 8’0clock lecture and he
isn’t here by 8:45, rubbish,”
She was dressed in a yellow mono strapped chiffon
dress (which she bought from Yaba 2nd hand
market) but wore like she bought it from Oxford
street in London. The dress brought out her highly
endowed curves in the right places, and she stood
tall in her red high heel shoes. She knew that she
was the centre of attraction, and she stood on her
own like an island waiting for the lecturer, as all
stares revolved around her.
On past occasions, some of the girls in her class
had tried to make friends with her, but she had
shunned and disgraced them publicly which taught
them a lifelong lesson: to keep away from her at all
costs.
Emmanuel, the tallest and most troublesome guy in
the class who was standing at the extreme right
corner of the lobby with his friend, Nonso,
remarked, “I no know wetin dey worry this babe
sef, she too dey form levels whereas she be nothing.
No be ordinary aristo she be?”
“Well, it’s not her fault. You can see her father is
rich, that’s why. She’s a spoilt brat. At least you
heard her conversation with her dad just now.
Have you ever travelled out of the country? Has
anybody in your family ever travelled out of the
country before? So, make we just dey endure am,”
Nonso responded.
“Well, she’s still a woman and can always fall under
my seductive charm. In fact, I’m going to make a
move on her now,” he said and began to “bounce”
towards her. He licked his lips repeatedly as he
played around with the chewing gum in his mouth.
“Hey lady,” he said.
At first, it was like Sharon didn’t hear him. She
didn’t even give any sign to indicate that she was
aware someone was standing close by.
Not relenting, Emma moved closer and placed a
hand on her shoulder (the bare part). It was as if a
piece of hot coal had been dropped on her flesh.
“What the f**k is wrong with you?” she screamed
as she landed a fleshy slap on his cheeks. “You
have the effrontery to touch my precious skin,” she
said as another fat slap connected to his other
cheek.
“Do you think I’m in your level…you riffraff? You
must be silly,” she ranted at the top of her voice.
“That’s how you go about raping ladies..abi. I’ll
show you hell in this campus. Don’t you know who
my father is?” she brought out her phone and
attempted to dial.
Emmanuel began to beg frantically with fear in his
eyes. “Please I beg you. My parents will have double
heart attacks if I’m arrested,” he pleaded; but she
didn’t listen, rather she continued dialing on her
phone.
Just then, a very unkempt looking old woman,
dressed in what could, at best, be described as rags,
wobbled towards them.
“Safura, why didn’t you come home over the
weekend as usual to help me with selling boli.
After, you will come with that your bent mouth for
money for Bi textbook; Io textbook; and gy
textbook abi?” the woman said, facing Sharon.
Sharon looked at the woman with derision. “Are
you crazy? No, tell me, are you out of your mind? I
don’t know you. You had better leave me alone
right now,” she said as she attempted to move into
the main lecture theatre.
The woman raised her voice, “I hope you are not
mad Safura; or have you started smoking igbo
(weed),” the woman raised her voice, and this
attracted the attention of more students.
“Oh I see, you people want to kidnap me abi,”
Sharon cried looking from the woman to
Emmanuel. “I’ll call the police, the soldiers,
NSDCDC, My Oga at the top…anybody and
everybody. If you know what’s good for you, you
had better leave me alone jeje before I call my
parents,” she threatened.
“Who are the parents you want to call? Please help
me, my daughter is going mad. Your father is
drunk on sepe and paraga as usual at the market
square, and I, your mother, am right here before
you.” The old woman said.
“No,” Sharon shouted and continued dialing on
her phone.
Just then Professor Boniface, the lecturer supposed
to lecture them, sauntered into view. “My oh my,
and what is the cause of the ruckus we have here
this morning?” he asked. He was known to often
use high sounding English, and the students knew
he could only make the situation messier.
“These people are trying to kidnap me,” Sharon
said feigning an accent. “I don’t know them, and
this young man right here attempted to rape me,”
she pointed to Emmanuel. As she said this, she
attempted to move away, but Prof. Boniface
stopped her.
“Those are pretty portentous asseverations my dear,
we have to get to the root of this matter,” he said.
“Just get them arrested. I have to go; I cannot stay
here any longer. It’s not safe. Other kidnappers
could be around.” she protested.
“No, you have to wait,” Prof. Boniface held her
firmly by the wrist. And who is this old woman?” he
asked as he turned to face Sharon’s mother.
By that time, the woman was already in tears. She
explained to the lecturer that Safuya was her
daughter but that she was surprised her child
feigned not knowing her and also calling herself
Sharon which she and the father did not name her.
She hissed repeatedly, telling them how she always
spent all of her income on Safuya’s needs.
“Oga Tisha, I don’t play with my pikin school fees
o. If she saying she want anything, I quickly rush
and borrowing money just because I want her to
finishing university and get a good job to take me
out of poverty. Have I done something wrong? Is it
not this book that is now scattering her head now.
Ehn, tell me lecturers.” She said in handicapped
English and turned to Safuya, “As for you, it is not
your fault and I don’t blame you. As you have
denied and humiliation me in public, so will I also
denying you. Just make sure you never come to my
house again; I don’t ever want to see you again,”
she declared, and began to walk away in anger.
Safuya (formerly known as Sharon) began to run
after her, pleading, “Maami, e ma binu (Mother
don’t be angry).”
The totality of the students burst out in laughter.
“Chai, pride goes before a fall. The shameful secret
of this useless girl has finally been revealed. I’m
sure she will never come back to this school again,”
Matilda, a short but bosomy girl said.
“How can she? With her level of forming, she dare
not try it. Even 100l students will taunt her badly. I
can just see her gist spreading all over Facebook,
Twitter and blogs. Well, that’s good for her.
Forming what she isn’t,” Kemi, her friend replied.
“Oh boy, you can like to relax now ehn. No more
heart attack for your parents,” Nonso said teasingly
as he moved towards Emma where he was standing
near Prof. Boniface.
“Why? Me, I no fear o…I bin wan follow am drag
the matter o,” Emma responded putting up a bold
face.
“Uhm…if I hear. You wey don piss for pant
already,” another fellow chipped in.
“Ok…congregate round me everybody,” Prof.
Boniface called out, and there were many coughs
and throat clearing. They all knew grammatical
missiles were about to be launched.
“What we all just witnessed teaches us one thing:
meretriciousness bodes calamity. So, in other news,
no more speaking of unnecessary grammar again
by me. Or are you all learners?” he continued to the
astonishment of the students.
“So you can also speak like this…like us?” a student
asked in surprise.
“Of course I can, but not as utopian as you will,” he
answered with a smile.
A lot of students scratched their heads, “Utopian.
What is that one again. Ahh, Professor Boniface
can never change.” the students burst out as they
moved into the lecture theatre.
theatre, arrogance oozed out of every pore of her
being as if she had dipped herself in a pool of it
before coming to school. She didn’t bother to greet
any of her colleagues who stood chatting in
different groups around the room. She brought out
her phone (a Blackberry Torch1) and began to dial
nosily.
After a while, she put it to her ear and spoke, “Oh
Dad, I’m missing you here in Nigeria. I wish I could
have come with you to France, Spain and Italy…oh
daddy it’s too hot and boring down here.” She
spoke with an exaggerated accent that seemed as
out of place as a Saheed Osupa cd playing at a
youth club in Victoria Island.
Even though she hadn’t really dialed anybody,
Sharon spoke loudly for over fifteen minutes. After
she was done, she hissed, “What’s wrong with this
professor sef…we have an 8’0clock lecture and he
isn’t here by 8:45, rubbish,”
She was dressed in a yellow mono strapped chiffon
dress (which she bought from Yaba 2nd hand
market) but wore like she bought it from Oxford
street in London. The dress brought out her highly
endowed curves in the right places, and she stood
tall in her red high heel shoes. She knew that she
was the centre of attraction, and she stood on her
own like an island waiting for the lecturer, as all
stares revolved around her.
On past occasions, some of the girls in her class
had tried to make friends with her, but she had
shunned and disgraced them publicly which taught
them a lifelong lesson: to keep away from her at all
costs.
Emmanuel, the tallest and most troublesome guy in
the class who was standing at the extreme right
corner of the lobby with his friend, Nonso,
remarked, “I no know wetin dey worry this babe
sef, she too dey form levels whereas she be nothing.
No be ordinary aristo she be?”
“Well, it’s not her fault. You can see her father is
rich, that’s why. She’s a spoilt brat. At least you
heard her conversation with her dad just now.
Have you ever travelled out of the country? Has
anybody in your family ever travelled out of the
country before? So, make we just dey endure am,”
Nonso responded.
“Well, she’s still a woman and can always fall under
my seductive charm. In fact, I’m going to make a
move on her now,” he said and began to “bounce”
towards her. He licked his lips repeatedly as he
played around with the chewing gum in his mouth.
“Hey lady,” he said.
At first, it was like Sharon didn’t hear him. She
didn’t even give any sign to indicate that she was
aware someone was standing close by.
Not relenting, Emma moved closer and placed a
hand on her shoulder (the bare part). It was as if a
piece of hot coal had been dropped on her flesh.
“What the f**k is wrong with you?” she screamed
as she landed a fleshy slap on his cheeks. “You
have the effrontery to touch my precious skin,” she
said as another fat slap connected to his other
cheek.
“Do you think I’m in your level…you riffraff? You
must be silly,” she ranted at the top of her voice.
“That’s how you go about raping ladies..abi. I’ll
show you hell in this campus. Don’t you know who
my father is?” she brought out her phone and
attempted to dial.
Emmanuel began to beg frantically with fear in his
eyes. “Please I beg you. My parents will have double
heart attacks if I’m arrested,” he pleaded; but she
didn’t listen, rather she continued dialing on her
phone.
Just then, a very unkempt looking old woman,
dressed in what could, at best, be described as rags,
wobbled towards them.
“Safura, why didn’t you come home over the
weekend as usual to help me with selling boli.
After, you will come with that your bent mouth for
money for Bi textbook; Io textbook; and gy
textbook abi?” the woman said, facing Sharon.
Sharon looked at the woman with derision. “Are
you crazy? No, tell me, are you out of your mind? I
don’t know you. You had better leave me alone
right now,” she said as she attempted to move into
the main lecture theatre.
The woman raised her voice, “I hope you are not
mad Safura; or have you started smoking igbo
(weed),” the woman raised her voice, and this
attracted the attention of more students.
“Oh I see, you people want to kidnap me abi,”
Sharon cried looking from the woman to
Emmanuel. “I’ll call the police, the soldiers,
NSDCDC, My Oga at the top…anybody and
everybody. If you know what’s good for you, you
had better leave me alone jeje before I call my
parents,” she threatened.
“Who are the parents you want to call? Please help
me, my daughter is going mad. Your father is
drunk on sepe and paraga as usual at the market
square, and I, your mother, am right here before
you.” The old woman said.
“No,” Sharon shouted and continued dialing on
her phone.
Just then Professor Boniface, the lecturer supposed
to lecture them, sauntered into view. “My oh my,
and what is the cause of the ruckus we have here
this morning?” he asked. He was known to often
use high sounding English, and the students knew
he could only make the situation messier.
“These people are trying to kidnap me,” Sharon
said feigning an accent. “I don’t know them, and
this young man right here attempted to rape me,”
she pointed to Emmanuel. As she said this, she
attempted to move away, but Prof. Boniface
stopped her.
“Those are pretty portentous asseverations my dear,
we have to get to the root of this matter,” he said.
“Just get them arrested. I have to go; I cannot stay
here any longer. It’s not safe. Other kidnappers
could be around.” she protested.
“No, you have to wait,” Prof. Boniface held her
firmly by the wrist. And who is this old woman?” he
asked as he turned to face Sharon’s mother.
By that time, the woman was already in tears. She
explained to the lecturer that Safuya was her
daughter but that she was surprised her child
feigned not knowing her and also calling herself
Sharon which she and the father did not name her.
She hissed repeatedly, telling them how she always
spent all of her income on Safuya’s needs.
“Oga Tisha, I don’t play with my pikin school fees
o. If she saying she want anything, I quickly rush
and borrowing money just because I want her to
finishing university and get a good job to take me
out of poverty. Have I done something wrong? Is it
not this book that is now scattering her head now.
Ehn, tell me lecturers.” She said in handicapped
English and turned to Safuya, “As for you, it is not
your fault and I don’t blame you. As you have
denied and humiliation me in public, so will I also
denying you. Just make sure you never come to my
house again; I don’t ever want to see you again,”
she declared, and began to walk away in anger.
Safuya (formerly known as Sharon) began to run
after her, pleading, “Maami, e ma binu (Mother
don’t be angry).”
The totality of the students burst out in laughter.
“Chai, pride goes before a fall. The shameful secret
of this useless girl has finally been revealed. I’m
sure she will never come back to this school again,”
Matilda, a short but bosomy girl said.
“How can she? With her level of forming, she dare
not try it. Even 100l students will taunt her badly. I
can just see her gist spreading all over Facebook,
Twitter and blogs. Well, that’s good for her.
Forming what she isn’t,” Kemi, her friend replied.
“Oh boy, you can like to relax now ehn. No more
heart attack for your parents,” Nonso said teasingly
as he moved towards Emma where he was standing
near Prof. Boniface.
“Why? Me, I no fear o…I bin wan follow am drag
the matter o,” Emma responded putting up a bold
face.
“Uhm…if I hear. You wey don piss for pant
already,” another fellow chipped in.
“Ok…congregate round me everybody,” Prof.
Boniface called out, and there were many coughs
and throat clearing. They all knew grammatical
missiles were about to be launched.
“What we all just witnessed teaches us one thing:
meretriciousness bodes calamity. So, in other news,
no more speaking of unnecessary grammar again
by me. Or are you all learners?” he continued to the
astonishment of the students.
“So you can also speak like this…like us?” a student
asked in surprise.
“Of course I can, but not as utopian as you will,” he
answered with a smile.
A lot of students scratched their heads, “Utopian.
What is that one again. Ahh, Professor Boniface
can never change.” the students burst out as they
moved into the lecture theatre.
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