steps to take when your boyfriend says he ‘needs space’

When  you’re used to spending a lot of time
with a man and feel extremely emotionally
connected to him and then he tells you he
wants distance, a myriad of uncontrollable
emotions can unleash inside you.

Has your boyfriend recently told you he needs to
take some space from your relationship to think
about things? Though the words “I need space” are
dreaded by lovers everywhere and can leave one
feeling confused, panicked, and rejected, this isn’t
necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can actually be
an opportunity to bring you closer together.

Most of us already know that men are from Mars,
and that translates to them needing time by
themselves to investigate and figure out their
feelings and thoughts. However, there are still
things you can do when he says he needs his alone
time that will help sway his decision in your favor.

Here’s the deal. When a man says he needs his
space, there are two things usually happening
inside his head:

**There are aspects of the relationship and/or his
life that are making him doubt whether or not he
wants to stay involved with you.

**There are aspects about you that he loves enough
to make him say he needs space instead of
“goodbye.” This is what you need to bank on while
doing what I call the “Love Him, Letter Him, Let
Him Go” technique. Remember, there are things
you can do to help leave an impression in his head
that he won’t quickly forget.

   Step 1: Get a handle on your feelings.
When you’re used to spending a lot of time with a
man and feel extremely emotionally connected to
him and then he tells you he wants distance, a
myriad of uncontrollable emotions can unleash
inside you. You can feel panic and extreme anxiety.
You can feel deep sadness and strong anger. All
these feelings are valid and healthy reactions to a
loved one pulling back. However, you must also
love him and honor his need for space, too. And
this is really hard to do when your feelings are so
strong, you don’t know how to get them in check.

You want to beg him, question him, continue to call
him. You want to maybe scream at him or cry tears
of desperation and confusion while asking him,
“Why?” If you are like me, you will want to drive to
his house in the middle of the night in a state of
sheer panic. Basically you might feel tempted to act
in ways that you are not proud of. This is normal
for a woman who is in touch with her feelings and
in love with a man. It is normal to feel like you are
fighting for your life and that you are being ripped
from someone very important to your existence. So
don’t judge yourself for your feelings, thoughts,
and actions when a man pulls back.

  But let’s also talk about how to get these feelings,
thoughts, and actions under control so that you
can make a man feel like you care about his needs
and his wishes, and are not just in survival mode,
ready to fight “tooth and nail” for the love you
want, regardless of how he feels. To get a handle on
your feelings, you first have to give yourself
permission to release them. You have to let yourself
cry and scream as much as you need to. You have
to have a space in your house where you go and
just allow yourself to feel everything. For me, it’s my
bathtub. Know yours and go there!

Once your negative fear-based feelings are out in
the open, I ask that you informally meditate. Light
candles, take a shower beforehand, and put on
some soothing music. Take deep breaths and go
inside yourself, taking inventory of your body. Try
to stretch and loosen up tense areas and then once
you feel like you body is responding to your
attention and movements to ease it, I want you to
concentrate on your heart. Imagine your heart
glowing with a bright, powerful light.
Imagine this light expanding to envelop your whole
body, and that your whole being is encased in a
bubble of all loving, all-trusting, healing and
positive light. Let this powerful, sparkling, dense
light soothe you. Once you feel calmer and more at
peace, you can follow the second step of the
technique:

   Step 2: Begin thinking lovingly and
positively about your man.
Think about his face, his smell, his house, his laugh
and more. Think about all the things that define
him and make you love him. Feel your heart warm
over with love for him and deep care for him as a
person. Then open your eyes. Get a piece of paper
and with loving feelings flowing through your
heart, make two lists:

1. A list of all the things you love about him.
2. Another list of all the things you think he loves
about you.
Take a look at these lists and circle three things on
each list that you feel are the most important things
you two love about each other. Now, you can follow
the third step:

Step 3: Send him an email or write him a
letter.
In this email or letter you’re going to mention those
three things you love about him and three
memories that correlate to those three things you
know he loves about you. Remember, you’ll also
mention the following:

Tell him you respect his need for space and will
honor it.
Mention your feelings about his request for space.
Tell him that you care enough about your
relationship to wait for him as long as you can wait.
Tell him you will honor and respect any decision
he makes.
Reassure him that you will be okay no matter
what.
You aren’t going to have any pulling energy in the
email. What does this mean? It means you are not
going to tell him anything that makes him feel
smothered, controlled, guilty, or fearful of losing
you. Anything that’s about pulling him back to you
instead of surrendering to his need for space. Your
letter is a gift of love to him, not a manipulation to
leave him feeling like he has to be with you or else
he is a total jerk to abandon you and reject you.
You aren’t going to threaten not to be there when
he gets back. You aren’t going to tell him how you
are not eating and how you cry on the floor of the
shower for hours. You aren’t going to tell him you
want to spend the rest of your life with him and
have his babies, and know he is the one to be
buried next to for eternity. You aren’t going to beg
or plead.

Here is an example of such an email:

Dear John,
I respect your need for space and want you to
know I will honor your request for as long as you
need. I also want you to know that I am angry,
hurt, and confused right now but those feelings will
pass and I won’t allow them to cloud my love for
you.
I really do love and care for you deeply. Your smile
brightens my day. The way you bring me medicine
when I am sick lifts my spirits faster than Airborne
works on my congestion. And your kind texts every
morning when I wake up are like a tiny bird
singing me to join the day.

I too will think about us during this break. Mostly
though, I will think about the good memories you
have left me with. The time we spontaneously went
to the movies in our PJs and laughed the whole
time in the empty theater. The time you cried at
how good my spaghetti was. The night our sex was
so amazing, we named it.

Love, I want you to take your time and whatever
you decide, I want you not to worry about me
because I will be okay in the end. I respect you
enough to be patient and to honor your decision
about our love.
All my heart,

Sarah
If you write this letter, you will leave him with a
good taste and show him that you careabout his
wishes. You will be reminding him of the goodness
in your relationship, and you will be reassuring him
that he makes a difference in your life (men need
this to feel like a relationship is working for them).
You will also be freeing him up not to feel guilty
and worried about you. Guilt actually makes a man
want to run because it creates a pressure, making
him think that if he stays and it doesn’t work out in
the future, he will destroy your life.

Don’t go on and on in your letter and squeeze in
every moment of every memory, and don’t get into
detail about all your feelings about him and his
need for space. Too many words will feel draining
and overwhelming for him. Now, once he does take
his space, have a friend on hand who you can call
when you are jonesing to contact him, and make
sure this friend is positive and calming. Tell her
that you only need her strength and patience, not
her fears and opinions. A good friend will
understand what you mean and will be available to
you at this hard time.

Resist the need to rehash everything
with family and friends and question his love a
thousand times. Meditate, focus on things you love,
don’t do things you don’t love to do, and give
yourself permission to feel your feelings without
marinating in them too long. In the end, if he
comes back, let him guide the pace of things —
because you love him and are willing to surrender
control over the unknown and control over the
relationship.
In love, we invite, we surrender, we
risk. And, remember, sometimes it takes space to
close a gap.
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